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This is the end…if you want it.

17 Mar

If the last 5 years have proved to me something about my life – it’s that when there is 1 major change, five million more changes proceed with it. Changes can be good – it’s a new flavor of life. You just don’t quite know what the Lord can do now.

20 months ago – i was in  my heyday of life so far. I was at peace with the Lord, I was moving out of my childhood home to live with 4 AMAZING women, i had a boyfriend, my job was going great – no longer was i being pulled between two different stores for I was an official partner at 3303, my nephew was growing and breaking my heart with his CUTENESS (still does…my gosh!), the Summer was ending – that Summer was THE best Summer of my life. But with all the goodness, I knew something had to give…and 6 weeks after moving in, I became a single girl…again. Did NOT expect it, but it happened. And my first heartbreak I experienced my junior year of high school (that i thought was the most horrible thing ever) was put to shame by how helpless and pathetic I felt. And for the next 18 months…I once again became my own worst enemy, torturing myself to no end.

And then my car broke down

And then I moved out

And then I got a dog

And then…well, there’s another “then”, but I won’t discuss it further.

But that was the tip of the iceberg.

That “And then” is the thing that can send me spiraling to the end of nowhere.

It’s the thing that will destroy me to no end.

It’s like when you get a really bad cut on your knee when playing “Wolf” in your friends driveway…and then having her paramedic step-dad dig out all the gravel only to reveal your tibia protruding. And THEN he pours hydrogen peroxide on the cut while you watch that evil liquid kill all the blood cells and foam up.

That story may be from personal experience…. 😛

But sometimes…you need to be in that position. Lord knows what came out of the last time i found myself in the same predicament. Brokenness turned to openness…which then turned into renewal and peace and maturity.

In the case of the wound – after it gets all cleaned up, a butterfly bandage is placed on the knee cap to assist the wound to close. And then some gauze…and after a week or less of having your knobby, skinny, skeleton legs bandaged, everything begins to heal. And what emerges later is an awesome scar that feels funny to touch…but makes for a good story.

In this case, I will be able to use this trial (which I find to be unneeded…) to be part of my testimony. The Lord has a reason He put me here again. Let’s just hope it doesn’t break  more hearts than needed.

Regardless of what happens, I will surround myself with awesome girls (Can I just say how much I love my roommates- new AND old? I had a much needed conversation with Nicole and Justine…and then came home to have another great conversation with Morgan and Chelsea!) Totally worth staying up until midnight (which was once early for me to go to sleep….odd.)

I will also take this time to personally thank Matt Theissen for using his  heartbreak to write the songs on Relient K’s Forget and Not Slow Down album. So thankful! 😉

The Lord can do a lot in this time of my life – His faithfulness in my past has proved that to be true over and over again. But it’s painful watching everything happen before your eyes…it’s painful to remember when you were. But unlike 20 months ago when everything was going amazingly well for me and I knew something had to give…I am facing the opposite circumstance. With everything seemingly falling apart and responsibility at an all time high – life can only get better. For 2o months, I have been waiting for everything to “get worse before it can get better.” And it’s happened. I don’t like it. Rather, i hate it. Despise it. Loathe it.

And then my brain clicks on…or maybe my conscience, and I realize that my pride is getting in the way. My pride is telling me I can’t be happy for this change. I can’t be bitter to a situation that has nothing to do with me today. But I want to. So I think I’ll just be crazy bitter for the next couple days to get it all out so I get sick of this bitterness and get over it. Because I don’t want to be a part of it. I want to forget it and move on. I want to have nothing get in my way of my relationship with my Lord. And this is. It’s distracting. And I will do what I have to if it comes to that.

And now for the lyrics, you knew those were comes, right?

Forget and Not Slow Down

How many times
Can I push it aside
Is it time I befriended all the ghosts of all the things that haunt me most
So they leave me alone
Move on with my life
Be certain the steps of left and right don’t fight the direction of upright

I’d rather forget and not slow down
Than gather regret for the things I can’t change now
If I become what I can’t accept
Resurrect the saint from within the wretch
Pour over me and wash my hands of it

It’s time to decide
Which is out of my mind
Cause it’ll be me unless I put some thoughts to rest and leave some faults behind
I’ll watch the glint in my eye
Shine off the spring in my step
And could be blinding depending on the amount of You that I reflect

Cause I could spend my life just trying to sift through
What I could’ve done better but what good do what ifs do
Oh oh
Oh oh
There’s something I should tell you now

 

 

 

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Gratitude

25 Nov

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!

I tried sleeping in, but woke up early with a headache. Kind of scared me for a while as I slipped on the ice while sledding and hit my head on the ice last night (i am a slight hypochondriac)…thankfully it has gone away with help from caffeine and ibprofen! 🙂

A nice new layer of snow fell over night, but now it has turned to stupid rain 😦

Despite the snow, Jaden got a bunch of guys together to play football (Turkey Bowl)! Heather, Sara Kasch (and Jip), and I stayed warm in my jeep doing what girls do best!

I got a nice tall cup of Christmas blend – I have to be honest, the Christmas season was my favorite as a partner at Starbucks. Everytime I go in there or hear Aimee Mann…i kinda wanna cry cause i miss it so much!!! But at least i can still enjoy Christmas blend, cranberry bliss bars, Grandma’s turkey sandwich…albeit no 30% discount 😦

My second-round of sweet potatoes have just been removed from the oven, cooling off before I head out to the Songstad’s! They smell mightily delicious!

I am heading out with some of the Jerde clan to experience an intense day of shopping, beginning with Old Navy at midnight! We shall be having a grand time!

I hope all of y’all have a wonderful day of F’s…friends, family, food, fun… 🙂

And don’t forget to give thanks to the One who created all and is in all…even if you are lonely today, i think we can all find something to be thankful for!!!

Kattie

you brighten my day, little man!

11 Sep

If there was a person on this planet who could brighten even the crappiest of days, it would be this little man. EVEN a picture of him could have the same effect. Whether it be this one…

these ones..

His expression is PRICELESS!!

messy is definitely the way to go!!

Again, PRICELESS!!

Born to love Jesus!!

heck, or even this one…

how could you resist that lip?!?

He is THE greatest  joy of my life (besides Jesus, of course!), and he isn’t even my child!! But i sure am one thankful aunty to my beloved, Jericho Fury! The quirkiest, sweetest, oddest, cutest, smartest, adventurous, and most amazing little man i’ve ever known! I love him so much!

It’s weird to think it’s been almost two years since i found out Heather was pregnant with him!!

it may be hard, but i do.

4 Aug

When i first began listening to Christian music…i was introduced to a WHOLE new world. The late-Summer of 2006 i would spend hours ripping music from Andrew’s cd’s. Every song had a different meaning and i loved listening to them.

But now i find myself tired of those songs…so overplayed on my computer and Spirit 105.3 that i almost forgot the beautiful words those songs hold. I didn’t know how powerful they would be to me 5 years after i REALLY began walking with the Lord. One of those songs…is a Jeremy Camp song. Now, he gets a lot of crap for not being “artistic” or “creative” enough with his music. Yes…a lot of his songs kinda sound alike. But often when you REALLY give the lyrics a read, they have the power to penetrate the heart.

I remember sitting in my sisters loud-mouthed Jetta as we passed through the streetlight where Highway 9 and 84th cross in Marysville. We were headed to Corey and Heidi’s house for Young Adult’s. The sun was low in the sky and once we topped the hill, the view was absolutely beautiful. I remember Heather telling me about the artist playing and how his wife died four months after they married…the song playing was written shortly after she died.

We don’t need the passing of a loved one to relate to the song, relatively speaking i haven’t lost much in my life and i can relate! Anytime the Lord puts trials and loss before us, the wavering-Believers from the stable ones are weeded out. Our attitude towards said trial is an indicator of our true hearts. It’s easy to fake a walk with the Lord…until life gets hard.

I Still Believe

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
Seems i dont know where to start
But its now i feel Your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy Word
Even when I dont see I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It’s my heart I see You prepare
But its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into Your arms
Where I throw to You my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is Your will for me
Help me to know You are near

I can’t lie…it has been really hard for me to pray. The first two lines of the song sum it up perfectly, “Scattered words and empty thoughts seem to pour from my heart”. I try…and i end up on some crazy tangent. I can’t get over the “why?” and grow frustrated…and then come to God in frustration. The easiest times for me to pray is when i’m sad or angry…but about 90% of my prayers are selfish, feeble prayers for myself. It’s frustrating. I create prayer lists…but they only last for about a night. I think it would be so cool to be one of those “prayer warrior” folks. But i fail at it massively.

i am loved…

3 Jun

Every once in a while I go through a very brief trial where i feel as though i’m drowning in my life. The worries pile up and I feel overwhelmed. And as quick as it comes, it goes….and it is fleeing now…

I forget that my loved ones are merciful.

The last two nights I had trouble sleeping due to the things on my mind. Anger, anxiety, frustration..my mind was unstoppable. I had no idea how everything would work out, but i knew the Lord would deliver me…and He is, as always!

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I also forget that the Lord has blessed me with a father who is an amazing provider. My dad is one of the hardest working guys i know…and has been that way for as long as i could remember. He also has a really cool job (he’s an aerospace engineer) and has worked all over the country for jobs just so my family would be provided for. Now that I am older it is my duty to stop relying on him as much, but sometimes i need to admit my defeat of independence and rely on him. He is my father after all 🙂

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Last Sunday as I was walking down the halls of church, I couldn’t help but notice that a lot of people said “hi” to me. Now, I always have people saying “hi” at church or work, but there are just some days where it seems like there are more people doing so than normal. I noticed it back when I was in high school, too…and you know, i kinda like it! I always remembered growing up that being popular doesn’t mean having the best clothes, makeup, hair, etc…but that truly being popular is being well liked. That being said, that’s what i always try for.

I’ve never been one to cause much ruckus. There was one girl in high school who threatened to beat me up…but that and a break up was pretty much the extent of any high school “drama”.

i am self proclaimed “floater”.

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Sometimes, i love rambling 🙂

Jesus is awesome, He is my Deliverer, my Hope, my Savior, my God…..

Jaden

9 May

When I was born I was blessed with a sister who was 2 years older as well as a half-brother who was 13 years older than I. Though my brother Michael was a big part of my life growing up, he wasn’t really your atypical older brother. I don’t ever remember getting into a fight with him, teasing me, or threatening boys to stay away from me.

When I was 16, Heather began dating Jaden. Truth be told, I didn’t really like him. My life was full of my boyfriend at the time and school. Heather’s consisted of Jaden, church, and work. I clearly remember going a period of a month without seeing her even though we lived in the same house…and it hurt me a lot. So i blamed Jaden.

I guess what began altering my opinion of him was that he bought Sarah and I Christmas presents. I don’t mean this in a greedy way, but it was truly unexpected.

Soon enough my boyfriend and i broke up, and I began spending a lot more time around Jaden and Heather and realized how good they were for each other. Thankfully the following May they were engaged!

I don’t really know when it happened, but Jaden and I began to develop a brother and sister relationship unlike mine and Michael’s. When I met up with my ex-boyfriend a year after our breakup, Heather had Jaden dropped me off and he made it a point to drive his monstrous red truck to scare him…it worked! That ex-boyfriend told me numerous times Jaden intimidated him. But in reality Jaden is probably one of the sweetest guys you’ll ever meet, you can’t judge the truck and tattoos!

Once they finally got married I decided that Jaden wasn’t just my brother-in-law, but more simply my brother.

Not all brother-in-laws come to the rescue every time I’m in a car crash.

Not all brother-in-laws tell me who i should or shouldn’t date, I make it a point that he approves of any guy i date…ANY.

Not all brother-in-laws take the time to teach me about cars or some other complicated manly mechanism.

Not all brother-in-laws fix my car when there is a problem (and i am blessed with 2 of them)

Not all brother-in-laws allow me to stay over for 2 weeks after my room is obliterated in a flood.

Not all brother-in-laws would teach their sister-in-laws how to drive

Not all brother-in-laws would make sure each time it snows that i know what to do

Not all brother-in-laws would take their sister-in-laws wheeling in their truck (and go off the ground in said truck!)

Not all brother-in-laws tell me to not do something even though i end up doing that something…and then not saying “i told you so”

Not all brother-in-laws can stand working with their sister-in-laws 5 days a week.

Jaden isn’t just my brother-in-law, but my brother. Both in Christ and family.

I can go on and on and on about how blessed I am by Jaden…but the list would be incredibly long!! Out of everyone who has come into my life (not counting immediate blood family), Jaden has by FAR made the biggest impact on my life. I can most assuredly say that if he and Heather never dated and or got married, my life would be INCREDIBLY different! Worlds apart different.

I can only hope the man I marry one day would be even half the man that Jaden is. I look up to him not only in the brotherly sense, but also in the perspective of what a true man of God and spiritual leader is to be. As well as how he can stand my older sister..bahaha 😉