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it may be hard, but i do.

4 Aug

When i first began listening to Christian music…i was introduced to a WHOLE new world. The late-Summer of 2006 i would spend hours ripping music from Andrew’s cd’s. Every song had a different meaning and i loved listening to them.

But now i find myself tired of those songs…so overplayed on my computer and Spirit 105.3 that i almost forgot the beautiful words those songs hold. I didn’t know how powerful they would be to me 5 years after i REALLY began walking with the Lord. One of those songs…is a Jeremy Camp song. Now, he gets a lot of crap for not being “artistic” or “creative” enough with his music. Yes…a lot of his songs kinda sound alike. But often when you REALLY give the lyrics a read, they have the power to penetrate the heart.

I remember sitting in my sisters loud-mouthed Jetta as we passed through the streetlight where Highway 9 and 84th cross in Marysville. We were headed to Corey and Heidi’s house for Young Adult’s. The sun was low in the sky and once we topped the hill, the view was absolutely beautiful. I remember Heather telling me about the artist playing and how his wife died four months after they married…the song playing was written shortly after she died.

We don’t need the passing of a loved one to relate to the song, relatively speaking i haven’t lost much in my life and i can relate! Anytime the Lord puts trials and loss before us, the wavering-Believers from the stable ones are weeded out. Our attitude towards said trial is an indicator of our true hearts. It’s easy to fake a walk with the Lord…until life gets hard.

I Still Believe

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
Seems i dont know where to start
But its now i feel Your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy Word
Even when I dont see I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It’s my heart I see You prepare
But its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into Your arms
Where I throw to You my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is Your will for me
Help me to know You are near

I can’t lie…it has been really hard for me to pray. The first two lines of the song sum it up perfectly, “Scattered words and empty thoughts seem to pour from my heart”. I try…and i end up on some crazy tangent. I can’t get over the “why?” and grow frustrated…and then come to God in frustration. The easiest times for me to pray is when i’m sad or angry…but about 90% of my prayers are selfish, feeble prayers for myself. It’s frustrating. I create prayer lists…but they only last for about a night. I think it would be so cool to be one of those “prayer warrior” folks. But i fail at it massively.