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Second Chances…

27 Oct

Do you ever grow through times when your past comes to haunt you?

You know you’re forgiven, but the disappointment that you know your past will bring to the future is stumbling and depressing.

That’s the funk I am in…

Mainly because I caught myself almost making some of the same old mistakes, but how many times will i have to learn.

I’m thankful for His grace and mercy, how sweet it is. But I know the times I let my heart go into the hands of someone else will prove problematic.

If God can forgive us for our mistakes, can’t other people?

Is it really hard to believe that we all far short of His glory and mess up? We’re all guilty, all of us. Equally. Even if you commit five sins and I commit six, we’re still sinners together.

….do you know where this is leading?

Because I am going there…

to the topic of my future husband.

Haha.

The scars of my past relationships make me afraid to tell that wonderful man, whoever he is, how fall I’ve fallen short of the Lord’s glory. But…I know that if it’s the Lord will, that man will have the mercy and grace to forgive me as I am forgiven in Jesus’ eyes.

All the boys I’ve lent my heart to…

All the times I have been uberly prideful…

All the moment such despicable sins bring me far from His glory…

That guy will forgive.

But I just wish I hadn’t done all those things…

I wish I could be the most perfect woman for him, because I know he’ll deserve it.

But I guess my shortcomings is what will spice up life and make me that perfect woman for him…

And I guess I must remember he is far from the glory of Jesus, too…

And he has made mistakes…

So if I want to be forgiven, I need to forgive, too.

Second Chances – NEEDTOBREATHE

All my past is color
Placed inside my hands
Empty is the canvas
Patiently I plan
Stars are bright above me
That’s not where I am
Greens will be behind me
Blues will make the man

I can’t help but fear I’ve done this wrong
Cause seldom second chances come along

Greys are all around me
Fading into black
Stars were bright above me
Won’t you bring them back

I can’t help but fear I’ve done this wrong
Cause seldom second chances come along
If time can break us, will it make us strong
Cause seldom second chances come along

The Video that Started it All…

22 Jun

Do yourself a favor, watch the whole thing 🙂 It’s my favorite live performance!

You can’t deny he is singing to Jesus…and the emotion on Jason Wade’s face, golly! 🙂 lol

Going Through the Motions

24 Mar

Growing up is most definitely rewarding, fulfilling, and interesting. But there are, of course, certain things in the moment that seem rather…useless.

Can i get an, “Amen!”?!?

Those moments always seem to make sense later on though…

When I look at pictures of myself and others, I ALWAYS look at the eyes. The eyes are said to be the window of the soul. They give away the truth of what the person is experiencing. Whether the truth is exhaustion, joy, fulfillment, accomplishment, sorrow, heartbreak, etc. Compare pictures of yourself or a friend from today to the ones two years ago, do you see the difference? The difference of a child becoming an adult? The difference of maturity in the eyes of a person?

Being able to see that difference is why i love Facebook. (Yes, I am going there!)

You see… it wasn’t always as easy to see the day by day changes of you and your peers after a couple years in a couple minutes. But with Facebook, all you gotta do is hit the right arrow key, and you are flipping through the life of a person and are able to see growth (or stagnancy) in but a moment! And I guarantee, if you look at the eyes of the person, you will notice a difference.

A difference that makes me yearn for the days of yesterday…but remind me to enjoy today because I don’t want to spend my whole life wishing I was still in the yesterday’s.

Life is definitely not where I want it.

Far from it.

I want to be a wife, I want to be a mom, I want to be a soccer mom (just without the jeans, haircut, and mini-van).

But this is where He has me. Today.

I am single. But that doesn’t mean I am not able to prepare myself for the future. It’s doesn’t mean life is boring. I still get asked out, which makes for good stories to giggle about with my friends. And I also still get to experience the giddyness of a new relationship…again (but hey, i love the giddyness!) There are possibilities in impossible situations…or in desperate circumstances where temptation lures for me to be bitter and evil.

What usually hangs me up on moving on from something…is remembering how great the past was. How happy I was at a certain time at different periods of my life…reminding myself in the blissful moments to take everything in, because I just might not get the chance to in the future. Something I had to learn to do.

The eyes I look into today do not hold the same innocence and immaturity as they once did. And as sad as that could be, I know it’s for the better.

I realize that my life has been wasted, once again…for far, far too long. I could have enjoyed my life much more had nothing ever happened, but now…I kinda am thankful. I know I learned a lot through everything…and 90% of the time I wish I didn’t have to learn it at all. At least at that time. But I find peace in knowing He has a reason. I am just impatiently waiting for that reason. I know through all the change taking place in my life at this time, my heart has and will continue to seek openness with my Jesus. For Him to do His good work in me as He promised in Romans 8:28. And there is still SO much that He can do.

And when i do find myself hurting, all I know I need is Jesus.

And maybe Jason Wade’s voice singing in the background…

😉

Better Luck Next Time -Lifehouse

Sometimes we fall
Ain’t nothing new to me
Don’t get me wrong
I must say you gave up for this time now

Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn’t there
You’re going under
But you’re over it all so you don’t care about all that I had to see
I’d watch you wait until you come around

Don’t close your eyes
You need to see it all
It’s no surprise
That they break you down
At least they won’t give you up

Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn’t there
You’re going under
But you’re over it all so you don’t care about all that I had to see
I’d watch you wait until you come around

It’s all wonderful
Living happily
To lose it all
Think you have everything

Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn’t there
You’re going under
But you’re over it all so you don’t care about all that I had to see
I’d watch you wait until you come around

Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn’t there
You’re going under
But you’re over it all so you don’t care about all that I had to see
I’d watch you wait until you come around

This is the end…if you want it.

17 Mar

If the last 5 years have proved to me something about my life – it’s that when there is 1 major change, five million more changes proceed with it. Changes can be good – it’s a new flavor of life. You just don’t quite know what the Lord can do now.

20 months ago – i was in  my heyday of life so far. I was at peace with the Lord, I was moving out of my childhood home to live with 4 AMAZING women, i had a boyfriend, my job was going great – no longer was i being pulled between two different stores for I was an official partner at 3303, my nephew was growing and breaking my heart with his CUTENESS (still does…my gosh!), the Summer was ending – that Summer was THE best Summer of my life. But with all the goodness, I knew something had to give…and 6 weeks after moving in, I became a single girl…again. Did NOT expect it, but it happened. And my first heartbreak I experienced my junior year of high school (that i thought was the most horrible thing ever) was put to shame by how helpless and pathetic I felt. And for the next 18 months…I once again became my own worst enemy, torturing myself to no end.

And then my car broke down

And then I moved out

And then I got a dog

And then…well, there’s another “then”, but I won’t discuss it further.

But that was the tip of the iceberg.

That “And then” is the thing that can send me spiraling to the end of nowhere.

It’s the thing that will destroy me to no end.

It’s like when you get a really bad cut on your knee when playing “Wolf” in your friends driveway…and then having her paramedic step-dad dig out all the gravel only to reveal your tibia protruding. And THEN he pours hydrogen peroxide on the cut while you watch that evil liquid kill all the blood cells and foam up.

That story may be from personal experience…. 😛

But sometimes…you need to be in that position. Lord knows what came out of the last time i found myself in the same predicament. Brokenness turned to openness…which then turned into renewal and peace and maturity.

In the case of the wound – after it gets all cleaned up, a butterfly bandage is placed on the knee cap to assist the wound to close. And then some gauze…and after a week or less of having your knobby, skinny, skeleton legs bandaged, everything begins to heal. And what emerges later is an awesome scar that feels funny to touch…but makes for a good story.

In this case, I will be able to use this trial (which I find to be unneeded…) to be part of my testimony. The Lord has a reason He put me here again. Let’s just hope it doesn’t break  more hearts than needed.

Regardless of what happens, I will surround myself with awesome girls (Can I just say how much I love my roommates- new AND old? I had a much needed conversation with Nicole and Justine…and then came home to have another great conversation with Morgan and Chelsea!) Totally worth staying up until midnight (which was once early for me to go to sleep….odd.)

I will also take this time to personally thank Matt Theissen for using his  heartbreak to write the songs on Relient K’s Forget and Not Slow Down album. So thankful! 😉

The Lord can do a lot in this time of my life – His faithfulness in my past has proved that to be true over and over again. But it’s painful watching everything happen before your eyes…it’s painful to remember when you were. But unlike 20 months ago when everything was going amazingly well for me and I knew something had to give…I am facing the opposite circumstance. With everything seemingly falling apart and responsibility at an all time high – life can only get better. For 2o months, I have been waiting for everything to “get worse before it can get better.” And it’s happened. I don’t like it. Rather, i hate it. Despise it. Loathe it.

And then my brain clicks on…or maybe my conscience, and I realize that my pride is getting in the way. My pride is telling me I can’t be happy for this change. I can’t be bitter to a situation that has nothing to do with me today. But I want to. So I think I’ll just be crazy bitter for the next couple days to get it all out so I get sick of this bitterness and get over it. Because I don’t want to be a part of it. I want to forget it and move on. I want to have nothing get in my way of my relationship with my Lord. And this is. It’s distracting. And I will do what I have to if it comes to that.

And now for the lyrics, you knew those were comes, right?

Forget and Not Slow Down

How many times
Can I push it aside
Is it time I befriended all the ghosts of all the things that haunt me most
So they leave me alone
Move on with my life
Be certain the steps of left and right don’t fight the direction of upright

I’d rather forget and not slow down
Than gather regret for the things I can’t change now
If I become what I can’t accept
Resurrect the saint from within the wretch
Pour over me and wash my hands of it

It’s time to decide
Which is out of my mind
Cause it’ll be me unless I put some thoughts to rest and leave some faults behind
I’ll watch the glint in my eye
Shine off the spring in my step
And could be blinding depending on the amount of You that I reflect

Cause I could spend my life just trying to sift through
What I could’ve done better but what good do what ifs do
Oh oh
Oh oh
There’s something I should tell you now

 

 

 

Waiting for the Break.

7 Mar

Dear Jason Wade,

Thank you for writing awesome music…and putting on an amazing show last Saturday. I waited for you outside for over an hour in the freezing cold, but you never showed…I forgive you though, your music has helped deliver me from hard times many times over. 🙂

Sincerely,

Your biggest fan (no, really – i am.)

Winds of Change

I guess nothing turned out like I planned.
Everything’s sure to fall out of hand,
And it takes a lot to find it,
And it takes a lot I know,
To believe that there is meaning
Inside this moment.
In the winds of change.

As it turns you upside down,
As confusing as it seems,
Keep your head high and your feet on the ground,
And turn and chase your dreams
In the winds of change.

Butterfly

she wants to be the girl who’s swept off her feet in the end
she wants to live a life that’s real and not just for pretend
she dreams of laughter echoing and says it’s her favorite sound
she dreams of plastic parents that will never let her down

and I know it won’t be long
till you turn into a butterfly
I know you’re weak and you’re hanging on
cause you’re dreaming of an open sky
go and give it another try

and I know it won’t be long
till you turn into a butterfly
I know you’re weak but you’re hanging on
cause you’re dreaming of an open sky

Signs of Life

A heart that’s been buried in the ground
Can break if it’s never found
I spent so much time digging that grave
And even if it’s pain that I feel
At least I know that it’s real
I’d rather be broken than afraid
Can April hours spring
Signs of life in me

Yeah, oh

Just slow down and take it in stride, yeah
There’s no deadlines as long as you’re alive, yeah

Alive, yeah

Joshua

The air has never felt so warm
the sky has never looked this way before
there’s nothing comforting in change
I can’t seem to find any peace in this confusion

I can’t help my mind from racing
and my heart is beating faster than ever before
tell me is this really happening
I cannot tell if I am dreaming

but last night
I saw you standing in the moonlight
and you took my hand and we walked
beside the river
and you said
don’t be afraid, be strong
I’m with you

Somewhere In Between

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?
Don’t be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again.
I don’t want to run away from this,
I know that I just don’t need this

Cause I cannot stand still,
I can be this unsturdy,
This cannot be happening.

Cause I’m waiting for tonight,
Been waiting for tomorrow.
And I’m somewhere in between
What is real,
And just a dream

I have a reason to sing

18 Dec

It’s funny when I travel down a familiar road, all my surroundings are the same…but my heart isn’t.

This time during my junior year of high school, the Alderwood mall finished its remodel. My friends and I spent at least one day a week at the mall, going through the same motions each time. I could bore you with the specific details, but it always involved parking on the 3rd floor, Lovesac, and Auntie Anne’s Pretzels.

I could go to the mall any other time of the year and not think twice about that time of my life…but once the Christmas comes around, memory lane rolls out with it. I was sucked into a world where Christ was not Lord back then, but I am thankful that I can look back at the time without much regret. I was naive, but what 16 year old isn’t? I am thankful for that period of my life, without those memories 6 years ago…and the people involved, i’d be a different person. It took years for me to find thankfulness…many painful years.

And yet, I found myself in a similar situation on my way home from the mall. Driving the same roads with me in my jeep…city lights in the distance, farmland to my left…everything was the same on the outside, but my heart is in a completely different place. And it made me sad, fore this battle is still being fought. This battle is still very real in my life…and it’s taking a lot more time than I’d like.

As I was driving down that road, “Desert Song” by Hillsong United was coming to a close – and my ears perked up as the last couple verses were being sung.

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow

I know I’ve sung that song many time either during worship or in my car, but those words were new and  pierced my heart as needed. How do we sow what we have reaped? Not by mourning, that is for sure. My favorite verse of all time is

“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-3

I can’t tell you how many times that verse has given me strength and encouragement. It’s good for me to go through trials, it’s how i mature 🙂 It’s a love-hate relationship with those trials, when i’m in one…i DESPISE it! But when I am not, i WANT ONE! Weird, eh? I actually craaave a trial, Justine and the d-group girls can testify to those very words coming out of my mouth, now knowing that a month after I said that, a trial hit….of course 🙂

There was something else that stuck out to me in the “Desert Song”

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He was the same God with the same thoughts and love for me while I was lusting over a boyfriend as he was while I was wishing that boy never existed. His thoughts of me don’t change, He always has and always will love me. I am favored by Him. And He will shower me all my life with His love and grace, I just need to branch out of the idols of my life and turn to Him for fulfillment and peace. With that being said, as “whole-hearted” was last week – this week’s topic has been all about grace.

i haven’t forgotten my way Home

20 Nov

Many of my friends know of my obsession with the band Lifehouse. But what many of them don’t know is WHY that band (more specifically Jason Wade and his lyrics) are so important to me.

I do believe the Lord showed me that band at the most perfect time, to deliver me from unneeded pain and anxiety. At a time when I had to finally end a 2-year long battle within my heart in order to avoid jealousy and hatred. At a time when an important and dear friendship inevitably had to end. Jason Wade and the guys from Lifehouse were sort of an “escape goat” and what should have been a SUPER difficult time, turned out to be some of the best months of my life.

There was a time when i would post a note on facebook, at least once a week, about a Lifehouse song. I haven’t done that in a VERY long time, but friends – the time has come again 🙂

You’ve probably heard the song on the radio…but it was probably the cd version, which doesn’t bring the lyrics justice. So, while watching this video, please listen closely to the words Jason sings. It’s a beautiful song, and watching it live brings the words to life.

“Broken”

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like You’ve already figured out

I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
I’m barely holdin’ on to You

The broken locks were a warning You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I’m an open book instead
I still see Your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they’re still looking for life

I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
with a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In Your name (in Your name) I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’)
I’m barely holdin’ on to You

I’m hangin’ on another day
Just to see what You throw my way
And I’m hanging on to the words You say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven’t forgotten my way Home

I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
with a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’),
I’m barely holdin’ on to You

I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’),
I’m barely holdin’ on to You

I can’t lie – I am barely hanging on to Him. I am hanging on another day to see what He will throw my way – because I know He isn’t finished with me yet. But it’s hard. I constantly battle with comparing my life to the other girls my age -why are they married, and i’m not? Why do I have to feel like the odd girl out 90% of the time? Why do I constantly have to feel like there is no hope for me? Why did He have to give me the green light to love someone – only for it all to end and my heart left crushed once more? Why does it feel like I am constantly facing some sort of trial, can’t life just be easy? How am I supposed to heal from a broken heart  when there is a constant reminder of my brokenness?

I know the answer to many of those questions. I know He has me here for a reason. I know He isn’t finished with me yet – and that I need to give Him my all. I know, but it’s hard. It’s hard when it seems like there is no hope…when it feels like i am SO far away from Him. But I do hold on another day to see what He will throw my way – I know it’ll be okay. My broken heart IS still beating for a reason…to give Him the glory. There is healing in the pain, and I need this pain to bring me to my knees. There is joy to be found…I just need to open my eyes.

Lord, i know You haven’t forgotten me. But it feels like You have, please open my eyes so I may find joy and give You the glory. Please soften my heart of stone. Please forgive me of my selfishness.