Humbled Again.

29 Dec

I have probably said it on here before, and if not, well, you’ve probably at least heard it before.

If you’re not in a trial right now, you better be prepared for one coming your way soon.

So was…well, is…the case for myself.

I’ve mentioned going through the Psalms while in Joplin, and being my second favorite Psalm, I chose 139 on one of the first days in Missouri. I love how god uses David to illustrate just how much He cares for us, knowing everything there is – and more, about us…even before we were thought of. How amazing that is.

But the part that really sticks out to me is the last section.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.

When I read that in Joplin, I was humbled when I realized how hurtful I had been to my own flesh and blood. And I decided to do something about that.

I read Psalm 139 again a month or so later and I couldn’t think of anything wrong or hurtful in me – I knew this only meant that once again, I’d be humbled soon. I’m not a perfect person.

And here I am. Again.

He revealed to me an area of my life that once again, I failed to bring before Him.

And in all honesty, I don’t know where to go from here. I’m in a rut. In a pickle.

And I know I need to sacrifice something.

I feel like I purposefully make myself busy. And when I’m not busy, I’m suuuper antsy and have an overwhelming need to get out of the house and do something. Often times come Thursday or Friday, I CANNOT wait for Saturday to come along so I could do nothing and sleep in. But that nothing, isn’t actually nothing because at the drop of a hat, I am out the door when a friend comes knocking. Forgetting the lazy day I had imagined in mind. And when the weekend is over, my room and car are still a mess and I feel like I got no rest at all.

(p.s. friends, i am not blaming you. I am blaming myself for not being disciplined.)

It has been a vicious cycle these last couple months…and it’s my fault.

I feel like I have no time for anything.

And leaving for work shortly after sunrise and getting off after sunset does not help. I am so happy it’ll start getting darker later now that the Winter solstice has passed! Hallelujah. Seriously.

I think I make myself busy for a reason, too. I don’t know if you’ve read any of Donald Miller’s books – he wrote Blue Like Jazz and some other really great books. Well, today he posted a blog on his Facebook and I opened it. Only for my jaw to drop when my mind realized why I make myself busy.

It’s because I don’t want to face myself.

I know there are areas in my life that I need to deal with and bring before the Lord.

Actually, I just need to spend more time with Him. I used to do it all the time – wake up late on a Saturday, eat breakfast, get coffee from somewhere, go somewhere special, and spend time with Him in the Word. A great way to kick start my day. Or I used to go on random drives and explore new places…those times were fun!

But you know, that hasn’t really happened in a while. Life is busy…or I don’t want to miss out on something awesome. I hate it when I am with friends and they talk about a memory that I wasn’t at…

I know that it’s okay to not have to be at every event. I know it’s okay to set boundaries. I know it’s okay to say, “no” with the reason being I need me time…or no reason at all. I know it’s okay to be a “lamie jamie”.

But God is calling me to be with Him more. To have more of those times with just me and Him – for more than 30 minutes before bed.

I used to go on crazy drives where Jesus really had to take the wheel. Usually it involved snow or super crazy down pours on unfamiliar stretches of the freeway.

My knuckles would hurt because I was gripping my steering wheel so hard.

But Jesus got me home safely every time.

Maybe it requires me sacrificing sleep. And money. And gas.

But if He calls me to it, He’ll get me through it.

I think I just need to go on a drive….

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