Useless Competition.

21 Dec

Most anyone who knows me – or has played a game with me, knows that I am very competitive.

Unless I know it’s something I suck at and I am playing with judgmental, no-fun players who criticize and think their way is the way for everyone. Sorry, it’s not. 😛

And then, sometimes…

…I cheat

And it’s all in good humor.

And I know that cheating is strictly used to win a harmless, fun game.

🙂

But there’s some competition that isn’t necessary.

I don’t know if guys are aware of this, but girls are just as competitive among one another as they are.

Maybe, even possibly, more so.

And they play dirty. They manipulate.

They manipulate guys hardcore to get what they want.

In ways that can destroy, ruin, and end friendships.

Girls like the attention.

They like getting attention from men.

They like it when guys single them out of a crowd to show them attention.

And this, my friends, is where I often find myself slipping away from who I am. I slip away from the contentment Jesus brings – and become a bitter, jealous, depressed, hopeless mess. And it’s all because I let my heart wander. I let jealousy sink in and fester, and I let discontentment rule. I become an insecure disaster who just…wants to give up trying.

And this time around, it has hit me hard. It’s caused me to have little empathy. It’s caused me to not enjoy life. It’s caused me to find those I love, annoying and attention starved.

satan found a foothold and ran with it.

And do you know what? I let him.

How pathetic.

I know it’s wrong thinking. It’s all lies.

I believed the lies satan fed me. That I’m not worthy of attention. That I suck at everything. That’s i’m an awkward mess who doesn’t deserve the best – because all those other perfect personality girls around me deserve them before I ever do.

And do you know what started all this?

It’s because I realized that once again, my heart was hoping too much for something hypothetical, people around me fed that desire with talk and jokes, and I knew that if I let my heart focus too much on it all – my relationship with Jesus would be made second, not first.. Because, after all, I’ve done it many times.

It all started because I wanted to protect my friendships and my relationship with Christ.

What started as something good-hearted, ended with me running into a trap satan placed for me along the way to tear me away from Christ’s plan for me. And I fell for it.

Thankfully, Christ has given me a stronger conviction after years of learning the same lesson over and over. I know it’s wrong thinking. I know it’s not His plan for me to be hopeless and depressed. His plan for me – and my prayer over the last couple days, is to have His peace beyond understanding. To rediscover that joy I traded for sorrow.

It’s also to remember the promise Christ made me while in Joplin

“Draw close to Me and I will do the rest.”

It’s simple, He has it all in His hands. Being manipulative and competitive won’t bring me into His perfect will for me. But allowing His pursuit to win my heart over daily, will.

I have been in a weird sort of funk this last month and am learning to escape from the awkwardness I have created.

Please pray for me as I continue to learn…and have grace for me, as well.

🙂

 

 

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