You Won’t Relent

16 Jan

I gotta admit it, last night…I rented The Last Song. I am an avid Nicholas Sparks reader, but was slightly put off by 1) Miley Cyrus in the movie and 2) The movie was pretty much filmed before or while Nicholas Sparks wrote the book (i don’t like that.) As expected, Miley Cyrus’ performance was less than spectacular…but the movie pulled at my heart because it had to do with one of my greatest fears. As in everyone of Sparks’ books…some one dies. It’s pretty much inevitable and I’ve had to learn not to get too attached to any of the supporting characters.

Now, one of my biggest fear is to lose my daddy. Most specifically, to lose him before I get married. I find that to be one of the reasons I want to get married young – so my daddy can give me away. As a matter of fact, one of the things I’m looking forward most on my wedding day – besides the obvious union of marriage with whoever God has in store for the father-daughter dance. It’s sort of giving honor to my dad for the (so far) 22.75 years of him providing and loving me. That and i love to dance with him, it reminds me of being little…dancing around our house to Herb Alpert, “Stand” by REM, the Ramones, Beach Boys, Dick Dale, They Might Be Giants..the list goes on (and i’m torn by what song to choose for that dance..but it’ll be by one of those artists. No “Butterfly Kisses” for this girl.)

(p.s. i want my dad to cry, nice daughter i am, right? 🙂 )

Me and my daddy


I know that that fear and anxiety i have is satan tugging at my weaknesses, he knows just how to pull me away from trusting and having faith in the Lord. Which is something i have realized I have struggled with a lot the last couple years. The story of Abraham and Isaac comes to mind when I think about the last trial i’ve experienced.

Me:  The Lord knew what my heart desired and gave me faith to trust Him to respond (like God’s promise of Isaac to Abraham and Sarah).

Abraham:  Now, Abraham got eager and messed up…took it into his own hands with Hagar who gave birth to Ishmael. i messed up, too…but later in my story.

Abraham:  Then the Lord fulfilled His promise, and Sarah was with child. Born to the couple was the promised son, Isaac. And it was blessed.

Me:  The Lord gave me what my heart desired…and it was blessed.

Abraham:  Then God asked Abraham to sacrifice what the Lord had promised, his beloved son – Isaac. Abraham set out to do just that. And right as he was about to sacrifice his beloved and promised son, the Lord provided a hefer or lamb (i can’t remember which) and His faith in the Lord was credited as righteousness.

Me:  The Lord ended what He had promised me..abruptly, out of nowhere. I can’t tell you how many timed i’ve cried out to Him, asking, “WHY?” in anger, frustration, sadness. I’ve tried to hold on to the last little bit of hope i had in that gift from Him, only to wake up and realize that nothing is how I would want it. I’ve made idols out of unreliable and sinful things. I’ve put my trust and hope in the past, not in the Lord and His promise to do everything for my good. I’ve trained my mind to be super manipulative…i have probably asked Him to forgive 15 times in the last 18 hours. I want to have the faith Abraham had. That story came to my mind the night my gift was taken away. What also came to mind was this lyric..

You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will CHOOSE to say, blessed by Your name!

My heart has not chosen to praise and bless His name. My heart has decided to ignore that fact, why praise Him if I feel mocked by Him?

Faith had always been something that came easy to me prior to this latest trial, but that trial…that trial rocked my faith like none other. I focused on what He took away, missing what He gave me. I forgot to have faith, He is faithful to answer is promises. But if I take it into my own hands…I’ll have an Ishmael on my hands (figuratively speaking). I don’t want that. I’ve already messed everything up more than needed, I just hope one day the awkwardness and sadness would relent.

If faith is the assurance of things hoped for, my hope cannot be wishy-washy. I need faith to be the backbone of my hope, but if I can be honest…it’s not always that way.

The Lord has been doing awesome things in my heart this last week, even in the last 24 hours. I am hoping I will make it out of the tail-end of this trial with faith like Abraham.



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