i keep looking up

25 Oct

I went to bed last night with a headache that was probably due to my lack of caffeine for the day. Somewhere in the night on Saturday I decided I was going to see how long I could go without eating to see if fasting was even attainable for me to do. The answer? DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…of course it is. Funny thing is I wasn’t even that hungry at 6pm when I went 24 hours without eating – until I smelled Claude’s pro-status brisket. Caffeine on an empty stomach=anxious jitters, so I went without on Sunday, which ended up being a bad, bad thing. I even woke up with that headache. 4 ibprofen, sleep, and water did nothing to relieve this caffeine addicts headache.

I got 8 hours of sleep, but with this headache it felt like none. I knew I needed caffeine, so I stopped by Starbucks to get a drip…and couldn’t wait to chug it down. But upon arrival at work I realized i had A LOT of work to do, and once I got my sugars in my coffee, I got so distracted by customers I got two sips down.  And then I had to go to Barb’s Licensing (DOL) and get a title for a car…which took not one, two, or three, but FOUR trips down. When I got back from my third trip I was told I needed those tabs, so I went down and told the lady I need them. Now, they aren’t known for being nice people (I hear Barb is the worst…have yet to be assisted by her!) and the lady helping me told me I declined the tabs…which was total crap because she never even asked. I didn’t say anything and got my tabs and sent the customers on their way with their 94 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

I’m only about half way through my tall drip, and decided I really, REALLY do NOT like Pike Place roast, and am regretting not getting the bold of the day. My headache is still lingering and one of the creepy parts guys is about to walk in. It’s ugly outside, but the wind makes up for it. I splashed some of my coffee on my clean jeans, but thankfully it’s not too noticeable. There is a pesky fly annoying the crap out of me, but I know its death is imminent so I can be at peace. I have more homework than I could even fathom finishing by tomorrow evening, and that’s after spending a majority of my time this weekend doing a lot of it already. Two tests, three quizzes, and 100 math problems all need to be done by tomorrow at 6. That being said, the next 30 hours are going to be crazy.

I am a frazzled mess today, I need to drink my coffee.

There are times when I wish the Lord will just shatter my heart. Usually it is in midst of a trial where I have not been broken to the point of surrendering on my knees. I am in one of those times now. I wish He would just break my heart completely so I can give up on the string of hope i am holding on to. I know I will prevail from it — He’s proved that to me before. I need to be broken completely. I need Him to remove the ounce of hope I am holding onto. I need Him to do that, my heart aches thinking of how He can do that. But it seems like the only way for me to be content again.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is the tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12

In these times it is mandatory I humble myself. I don’t deserve anything I have. Not this job, family, friends, etc. I have lived this last year thinking my situation was so horrible, that I deserve all the sympathy. Everyone else just wants attention. I have lived this last year selfishly. Manipulative. Envious. Pathetically. And then I remember the blessing that was put into my lap when I came across Kate’s story, and remember He is working in us. My heartbreak was nothing compared to hers, how often must I remind myself of this? And now I get to read how blessed she is to have a second chance of being a wife, and how quick the Lord can change our lives. Her story gives me hope again, it makes me excited for the rest of my life…curious as to where He will take me next. My story won’t be like everyone else’s…otherwise it wouldn’t be MY story. This chapter isn’t forever…He is doing a beautiful work in my life.

“…but one thing I do:  forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead” Philippians 3:13

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One Response to “i keep looking up”

  1. Bree 2010 October 25 at 3:28 pm #

    I love this entry Kattie!!! Such a good reminder! Thanks!

    P.S. Barb hasn’t worked at “Barbs” for years!!! Or at least the namesake, she was nice. She and her husband lived in the house at the end of my parents driveway my entire childhood. However, it’s possible that one of the ladies now working there has the same name because I have yet to meet a nice lady at Barb’s Auto Licensing lately. 🙂

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