remember you, remember me

15 Oct

To be oblivious of the good work the Lord has done in me this last year, would make me an incredibly naive and ignorant girl.

It’s nice to know the promises He has made us all,

“Hope deferred make the heart sick, but when the desire comes it is the tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12

even when life is crappy and we are stuck in a long, dark, horrendous tunnel of a trial…His promises endure. It’s so easy to get sucked in and lost among the lies of satan. The lies that keep you trapped in the pain. Lies that prevent fruit from growing…that lead to addictions, lies, deceit.

I could erase the memories, pretend they never existed. Just another fairytale. I can ignore it all I want. I could live the rest of my life, not believing He did it for His love for me. I could live the rest of my life in false hope. I could live a life stuck in the dark tunnel. I could falsely believe the Lord did it to mock me. Believe He is cruel to give me the peace to take the leap, only to rip it out of my life. Without a loving, Fatherly purpose, but a cruel pleasure. I could look in the eyes with bitterness, hatred, and envy. I could keep myself stuck in the deceit. The jealousy. The bitterness. The manipulation. The wavering emotions.

But where is the hope in that?

Where is the FRUIT in that?

And most importantly, where is the LOVE in that?

This situation is different and yet very similar to others I’ve experienced in my short 22.5 years. And thankfully, in those situations, I chose the wrong road…and He still remained faithful. He has been and always will remain faithful. I know very well He has done this for my good. And if choose to have JOY in this period, which takes practice and daily surrenderings, I will prevail and let Him perfect me.

I battle with jealousy over the little things. The jealousy makes way to deceit. The deceit gives way to bitterness. Which then leads to hate. And ends in death.  Thankfully, love never ends. But can love change?  Because I have enough love in my heart to not give way to hate…I’m still alive.

It’s a struggle to not have jealousy. It is a struggle to see the goodness this overdue pain. It’s a struggle to be me. It’s a struggle to not be manipulative, I am scary good at manipulation. It’s a struggle to love purely. It’s a struggle…i can’t lie.

But overtime it will get easier. Overtime my heart will be whole again.

The Lord has opened up my mind to understand what I was previously blind to. The damage certain failures could bring to a relationship when both parties are affected. I shall never be married with that sin imprinted on my heart. No one should.

There is so much to be thankful for. But I am so blind to the goodness that has been produced lately. My jealous and manipulative heart gets stuck in the way.

“And I’m praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it

Just maybe, we might see
Jesus, there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus, there in between.”

-Flyleaf

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