precious grace.

16 Aug

I never realized quite how easy it was for me to give my heart away.

I remember seeing my older sister go through the brokenness only a high-school aged boy could inflict on a girl…and determined to not let that happen to myself, I proudly proclaimed to my first boyfriend at the brilliant and all-knowing age of 16 that i wouldn’t let my heart be broken. Ignorant much?

My heart was shattered when after 6 months of dating he gave me the note explaining why we had to go on a “break”. And six weeks later after a disagreement of…well, morals…my heart was stomped on when he called and broke up with me 4 days after my 17th birthday. (Could it be any more high school than notes and phone calls for important discussions?)

I never experienced brokenness like that before in my life…and now that it has been over 5 years, I find myself thankful. Without it…it could have taken a lot longer for the Lord to capture my heart. And i probably would have walked away with many more regrets. But what still lingers…is my heart i wear so loosely on my sleeve.  When i give it away, it’s incredibly and painstakingly hard to get back.

I noticed something while while flipping through my old journals from the last three years. I waste a lot…A LOT of my time dwelling on the pieces of my heart i’ve given away. As a matter of fact, in the five years i’ve known the Lord…there has only been 3.5 months TOTAL i spent at total and complete peace and content with life. That’s pitiful.

That’s 4 years and 8.5 months of struggling to put the Lord first and any guy last.

Why i let the peace and content in my life be determined by guys, i do not know. But i don’t like it one bit. Please pray for me as i find myself continuing to struggle with this.

My journals are packed with my pleadings and beggings to the Lord to let life go my way. To convince him why some guy was perfect for me. How i think so-and-so was “the one”. It’s sad, ridiculous, and quite embarrassing. A very hard and crippling read, for sure. All my journal entries are private, of course…so, to give you a glimpse into the 17 yr old and brokenhearted Katie (it was 1 “t” then), here is one of my favorite blogs i wrote.

http://immobydick.blogspot.com/2005/08/memories.html

If you didn’t laugh…i would be very surprised. Each journal does hold a bit more maturity than the previous….thankfully. And that entry was the beginning.

But again, please pray for me. I am struggling with thankfulness and how i wish SOO badly to have that peace and content with life as i did a year ago. I constantly have to remind myself that though this year has been hard, without it i would be a lot less mature. I can’t just wish this last year away.

It’s one thing to know your own evil and selfish flesh ended the peace, but another when you know without a doubt the Lord lead you to a road that eventually ended with discontentment once more. (i’m not blaming my discontentment on Him, btw…it’s merely my selfishness of not wanting to be where He has me.) There are times i wish i never would have proceeded with the relationship the Lord put before me last year so i could have kept that contentment longer and not have to deal with..stuff. But i despise that thought so much because He brought forth a lot of blessings, hope, and knowledge. One day i know i will see it once more as a blessing rather than a burden…just as i did with my first relationship. I just hope it doesn’t take any more years than necessary because i am becoming insanely restless. It doesn’t really feel like He’s doing much in my life, though i know He is.

I’m thankful He has given me the gift of joy. But i can’t lie…i wish life had the excitement it once had. I’m ready for a change…whatever that may be.

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