I almost forgot who i was…

29 May

If a person does not go through trials, it is very hard to become mature in Christ. There are times when life is good that I truly yearn for trials…until one comes and then I’m left shattered. But God has promised me He won’t put before me more than I can handle. I just need to remember that God is just and He knows. This current trial is probably one of the hardest I’ve had to deal with. Though it started with the ending of a relationship, I have to realize there is more to it than that.

Three years ago I thought I had THE one in my life. And after praying to get to know him better, God did just that…and when we had a first date, I thought God was beginning my love story with the perfect guy. Boy was I wrong. Instantly conviction set in and I knew it couldn’t last. I didn’t want to let him go though because he was the “perfect” guy…and for another 2 years I told myself it was the right thing at the wrong time. The lies and manipulation in my mind laid burden after burden upon my shoulders, and when at last i knew I couldn’t lie anymore to myself…I watched those burdens flee. And my eyes were opened to God leading me elsewhere…I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I wasn’t expecting to fall, I wasn’t looking for him…but God lead us into a beautiful thing. And though I had peace in the relationship, something of which i had NEVER felt before, He eventually lead us to the end of something beautiful.

People have said that when you are least looking for love, it has a way of finding you. And you know, I used to believe that…but not so much anymore.

NOT because I don’t think it could happen, but because it is SOO easy to think too much into it. When God lead us in that relationship, I though it wouldn’t be too long till we would take a walk down the aisle. But that’s not the way it worked. And I found myself bitter for a long time…but I knew that’s not the perspective I needed.

God showed me that my sin had consequences…

God showed me that He trials would be plentiful in my life…and having joy in said trials will allow Him to work in me…and He has.

God has shown me what love is…and I try hard to remain in that love.

God has given me the passion to one day be married, and it is because of that passion that I know I will be married one day. I struggle however with jealousy, wanting to be married because so many of my loved ones are and I am often the odd one out.

I almost forgot in the midst of my bitterness who I was. I was throwing myself a pity party, thinking my loss was so much greater than anyone elses. I lost my joy. I lost my servanthood. I lost my sympathy. I lost my peace. I gained manipulation. I gained failure. I gained burdens. Fruit was lacking, sin was overbearing.

I forgot that I could trust the Lord with my life. He has been faithful in the past and WILL be faithful for life everlasting.

My grandma passed away just after midnight today. The nurse saw her take her last breath, she went home to be with our Savior…and in all honesty  i will admit that i am jealous because I want to be with Him, too. But He still has me here on Earth, He won’t take me until it’s time. He obviously has more in store for me…and I don’t want to ruin His blessings by throwing a long drawn out pity party.

If i can be truthful, I will shamefully admit that I am scared for this Summer. Last Summer was by far the greatest one of my life for many reasons…and i have it in my mind that no Summer will ever compare. I hope it is not so, I hope this Summer – which will be by FAR much different than any Summer, is one – if not THE best of all. I have very few expectations set before me for this Summer, I am giving it up to the Lord…I’m going with the flow. Because that is all I can truly do.

I am almost out of the woods when it comes to this trial…and I find myself taking a sweet walk with Jesus. He has held my hand during the last 7 1/2 months, even when He seemed very far away. He won’t ever let me go…not EVER.

“Where can I go from Your Spirit?
         Or where can I flee from Your presence?
 8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
         If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
 9 If I take the wings of the morning,
         And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
 10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
         And Your right hand shall hold me.
 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
         Even the night shall be light about me;
 12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
         But the night shines as the day;
         The darkness and the light are both alike to You.”


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