Lies…it’s all lies.

9 May

Despite being a chubby cheeked baby (and in my opinion, i still have chubby cheeks), I have never been overweight. I was the girl who was disgustingly skinny in elementary school (one of my friends even asked if i was anorexic in the first grade) and can get into shape in a couple weeks with some dedication. I’m not saying this to brag, but to make a point by how twisted our minds are…I’ve had and still have body issues.

I remember going in for a physical in the eighth grade for soccer and being weighed…and was shocked to find myself over 100 lbs. At that point I was about 5’5″ and 107 lbs, something I find myself envious of even today. The following year I grew about an inch, but added 9 lbs to my frame. And I felt disgusted. The sad thing was, was that I was really fit. My ninth grade year I could run around the gym countless times for softball and not be winded. But something about being 116 lbs made me feel fat.

Due to reasons I will not mention, my sophomore year I skipped out on sports. The Summer following I found myself at a new low (or high..) I was 127 lbs. I remember seeing that number while on vacation in California, and once I got back home to Washington I did exercise videos while the rest of the house was asleep. The bathroom also provided a wonderful place to exercise my brains out! Thankfully I soon got back to my preferred weight very quickly.

The Summer following my Junior year was a WHOLE different story. In April 2005 my heart was broken and my appetite was pretty much nonexistent. One day all I could force (literally) down  my throat was a piece of bread, and I was full for the rest of the day. The thought of food would often make me want to gag. Needless to say I watched the scale dwindle down quickly, by the end of the Summer I lost about 15 lbs…for some that’s not much, but for me it made a big difference. People noticed, too…classmates and sisters alike. The sad thing was, was that I would weigh myself EVERY day and find a SICK fascination over the weigh loss. I was disappointed when I started gaining weight again.

By the time I graduated I gained the weigh back and stayed at a pretty constant weight until these last couple months. I’ve been noticing the scale go up to numbers I am scared to look at. I’d do something about it, but it’s hard when I have been sick 4 times in the last 2 1/2 months. Running with a chest cold is NOT ideal!

I am self-conscious of my arms, they are dangly…Oprah would be proud!

I am self-conscious of my thighs and how they touch (just barely)

I am self-conscious of my flabby shin fat

I am self-conscious of my “pooch”

I am self-conscious of my love handles and spare tires

I am self-conscious of my double chin, which is only amplified by my chubby cheeks.

I am a normal girl, sad to say. I have never been a “fat” girl or have had serious weight problems….but I have issues just like everyone else..


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2 Responses to “Lies…it’s all lies.”

  1. Heidi 2010 May 10 at 3:20 pm #

    Kattie, You are beautiful inside and out, whether you gain a few pounds or not. In the grand scheme of things we realize there are bigger issues and maybe this weight stuff is a side effect of those things in our lives? Maybe? Maybe not? You won’t think less of me for my few extra pounds…… 🙂 Wow I could have written the ups and downs of my weight too, were you reading my mind? lol Wow,we women dwell on that! Besides…… I LOVE ME SOME CHOCOLATE AND ICE CREAM! I just love you and your sisters and enjoyed every minute watching you grow up into a BEAUTIFUL & FABULOUS young woman. Keep in touch. P.S. since we all love Bon fires we oughta have one at our house some summer night!

  2. womanchild88 2010 May 10 at 9:01 pm #

    Thanks Heidi 🙂
    Funny thing is that despite all my insecurities, i have never let it effect who i am. If that makes any sense at all…
    i guess in other words, given the opportunity i have NO problem wearing a bikini haha
    And YES we must have a bonfire at your house, that would be FUN! As well as going on your boat!!!!
    love you!!!
    -kattie

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